The Dopeness... of being a mess...

So it's been a long time since I had blogged... this would be the 2nd time? I was thinking about how weird that of all days (or rather, nights) that I would choose 08/07/09... Trying to remember this particular day from years passed, but tonight the full moon is trying to tell me something... perhaps it has been trying to do so for the past few days... it keeps looking at me... peeking at me through my window... so I just stared for a bit... hoping that I didn't grow fangs or unruly body hair... and then now, I just feel like "blogging"...

Not sure... but oh well... I didn't ask you to waste your time to read this... 

My life is a mess. But not the kind of mess that necessarily all bad... I just don't see this light at the end of the tunnel... Is this good? Is this bad? I can't say for now...

I spent a good part of July in a really messed up state... finding out some awful truths... realizing that I needed to be careful of whom I trust... missing certain people... lacking creativity... not wanting to get out of bed on some days... extreme heat... being used... being second string... having a loved one driven away... not being able to say proper good byes...

Yet, I also recall floods of emotions rushing through me... waking me up... laughing... crying... and then the dancing... the singing... the art... the franticness of it all... the adrenaline of riding my bike in the early mornings when the air is crisp... not giving a fuck... and meeting some people that I feel comfortable talking to... air guitar in the hallway... bubble tea meet-ups... lots of pho... board games... and seriously great conversations... 

And I have cut down smoking because the last guy that I sculpted for complained that the piece that I had made for smelled of smoke... My bad... he was more than gracious about it...

I think back to when I was chilling in Kyrgyzstan... and I miss my friend Anna from there. 

I think back to Kazakhstan... and I do not miss being detained because I had "the wrong visa"...

I think back to my beloved Kosovo and remember the friends that I made... the hope for a redeemed future...

I think back to Beijing and how I got hit by a car...

I think back to Tibet and learned the true meaning of devotion...

I look back at La Paz and remember almost being killed...

I think about Mamta and Mahesh's wedding on Goa and finding he heart that is India...

I think about this man that I had met in Madagascar and had found out that he had died in a plane crash...

I think about South Africa and were I first fell in love...

Not sure where I am going with all of this... but I like it...

I feel as if I had awakened from a comatose state... I feel as if, once again, I can breathe...

I miss my cousin... but I know that she is well...

I miss my friends... because YOU GUYS ARE MY FAMILY...

I even miss my dad - he may be an asshole, but he taught me how to be a tough bitch...

I love my mom, for she gave me life... and chances...

I love Annie because you are always there... even in my darkest moments...

Like I had previously mentioned, I am a mess... but as I sit here crying, both tears of joy and sadness... I least I am a mess of all sorts... and once again, happy for my existence...